I have been really emotional the past week – surprise, surprise! I have these high hopes that the progesterone I am taking with be like a miracle drug and we will have some success this month but I have my usual “expect the worst” attitude when it comes to what will actually happen when I pee on a stick in 7 days.
Jon and I had further discussions tonight about adoption and fertility and shortly afterward my mind wandered to the possibility of actually having a baby (whether by adoption or the good old fashioned way) and I panicked. I panicked because that would mean I couldn’t work, at least not two jobs like I have now. And then we couldn’t pay our bills and then I wouldn’t be able to get Starbucks coffee and then we would be out on the street and then our lives would be over… So you see how logically my mind works here!
This month was hard, we went negative on our bank account and we had to put a lot of money on our credit card for Christmas gifts and other expenses that we just couldn’t pay for. We both got paid over the weekend as it was the first of the month today and so Jon got out the checkbook to write out our tithe to church yesterday morning. And I wanted to stop him. In fact I asked him, “are you sure we should do that this month?”. Every month I secretly hope he will forget, and I of course will “forget” too and we’ll get to keep that extra bit of cash for ourselves! But every month my husband is far more faithful than I am and writes out our check.
So today I was crying because I wanted to start our family so badly but also because how in the world will we actually support a family and a voice reminded me that God is always faithful, he always has been. I of course ignored it and went to read but needless to say, God doesn’t usually just let it go when I ignore what he is trying to tell me. A few minutes later Jon came in the house from checking the mail and he said that we had received a check for $200 for IV from Nate, one of my college friends. Nothing else was in the envelope except for a scrap piece of paper that had written in bold letters: GOD GIVES EVEN WHEN THE ECONOMY IS BAD.
And Nate is right. God gives. No matter what I like to complain about in my life, God has always given to me and given abundantly. Tonight as I was yet again worrying about the many unknowns in our future, God used my dear friend Nate to remind us that He loves us and that He is taking care of us.
In all of my fundraising I am quick to judge others who seem to have money to spare yet choose not to support us. But in our own life I am stingy as heck when it comes to giving. This event tonight has caused me to reflect upon what I give and the way God wants to use me to bless others in the midst of a bad economy.
I am so thankful that it is truly God who gives, because if others really had to rely on greedy ol’ me for support they would be in trouble.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.