Is false hope better than no hope?

I couldn’t hold out. I promised myself and Jon that I wouldn’t test until day 28 of my cycle, but I had a moment of weakness and tested today. CD26. Negative. I stared at it for a long time, thinking that maybe my eyes would start playing tricks on me and I would imagine a second pink line but no such luck. Can’t I have even a little bit of false hope? I will have to test again in a couple of days anyways, just to make sure that I am not pregnant so I know to stop taking my prometrium but I really don’t think anything will change. Now we have to pay for another stupid test, Jon is not going to be happy about this “moment of weakness” of mine.

I got really upset and threw the test stick forcefully into the garbage can and then thought about how best I could comfort myself. I thought about calling Jon or a friend or my mom. I thought about going for a run. I thought about praying. But I didn’t do any of those things. I made a beeline to the pantry, ripped open the 8lb bag of M&Ms that I purchased for Jon’s birthday party tomorrow night and dug in. I think it is now a 7lb bag. And now I feel nauseous. Could that be morning sickness…

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7 thoughts on “Is false hope better than no hope?

  1. Oh hunny…I can so relate to your feelings! Sometimes I feel like every test I buy MUST be defective or something. Like maybe it never actually has two lines on it, or that I’m not looking closely enough. I’m so sorry. I love you and will keep praying for you guys. I know God rewards patience…right

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