This morning Jon and I had a scare when I noticed some reddish- brown spotting after using the bathroom. I had a little bit of this awhile ago after a pelvic exam and pap smear, so wasn’t too worried then, but this time I couldn’t think of anything that could have brought it on and it seemed to be the culminating event of a week marked by heavy emotions. Within the last week I have had two major emotional brake-downs that I have to attribute to “pregnancy hormones” and at the root of those instances (basically me bursting into tears uncontrollably – I know my blog doesn’t exactly reflect this, but I do have some control over my emotions in some circumstances…) were some incredible insecurities, insecurities that I can’t help but wonder are normal at this point in the gestational journey or if I am just a mess.
I have been feeling very lonely here in Tucson, far from my family during this time and missing some of my really close friends that live far away from me now. My insecurities and worries about our financial situation have intensified greatly, and they were pretty intense before so you can imagine how they have pushed me over the edge a couple of times! I have felt insecure about our busy, on-the-go lifestyle and how it will work with a baby. I have noticed, more often than usual, how incredibly selfish I am and what that will mean for me caring for our baby.
All of these unknowns and fears have been nagging me and bubbling up during my pregnant state. I have been viewing my life like a piece of fabric with all of these ragged, loose ends that are becoming more and more frayed by the day. I have seen under a magnifying glass just how imperfect my life is, and it has frustrated me and made me long to move back home to my parents’ house and be a kid again.
This morning I came even a bit more unraveled with the thought of something going wrong with the baby. The doctor asked us to just “wait and see” (oh how I despise those words!) and if there is any more spotting or if there is any cramping to call and she will get us in asap. Thankfully in the few hours since I noticed it there hasn’t been any more, praise God!
As Jon and I were praying for our little penguin, nuestro pingüino, I recalled the 139th psalm and knew that God loves our little one far more than we ever will. All of the days ordained for him/her have been written in His book. I prayed that our baby’s days would be many.
As I now attempt to “wait and see” I have lots of time to think about what it means that my life isn’t perfect. My life was far from perfect before getting pregnant, but the thought of bringing a baby to share in this imperfect life is somehow terrifying and seems almost wrong.
The words of 2 Corinthians chapter 4 (Message Version) seem to provide me some comfort now:
We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.
So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.
I guess the point is that my life is not supposed to be perfect, or even look perfect. My life is supposed to look like an ordinary clay pot that is just a shell holding something magnificent – the love, grace and salvation of Christ. I guess I can just pray now that as Paul writes in this letter that my life would point to the power of God within me, the great work of him making new life out of a dead one.
Jon and I are praying that everything continues to be okay with baby, and continue to have faith in the one who created the life inside of me and that faith looks far differently from a life with all the answers and no struggles. That faith looks like a beautiful and redeeming power seen in a piece of frayed fabric, a clay pot, and a pregnant girl in Tucson.