I felt strong. I felt like praising God. I felt faithful in His faithfulness. I felt like saying ‘no matter what happens, God is good. All the time’.
And this terrified me.
Going into our visit with the perinatologist this afternoon I had a knot in my stomach and for all of the normal reasons but what really pushed me over the edge was the fact that I was feeling strength and faith on a whole new level. My only explanation for this was that God was really preparing my heart for the worst. There must be some really bad news I was about to receive if God was bolstering me with so much support. So much peace.
Thankfully, we didn’t have to wait very long before being called back for our level II ultrasound during which our sonographer (who reminded me so much of Erin
Brankel Andrelli that I was immediately comforted) and soon enough the gel was on my belly and she was prodding around with the ultrasound thingy to look at our beautiful babe.
The brain, heart, face, spine umbilical cord still looked perfect and healthy.
But as she moved the wand to view his abdomen my fear was confirmed. There was the giant black circle. My baby’s kidney. Still dilated. Still significantly larger than his other kidney. I don’t know anything about anything but even I could spot it right away and tell you it wasn’t normal.
She said the doctor would be in with us to talk about specifics and so while we were waiting she just took more pictures of our precious boy. He is pretty handsome, by the way.
The doctor was a lovely, strait forward, kind woman. She confirmed that everything, including little boy’s other kidney looked beautiful at this point.
That darn left Kidney just wasn’t draining properly and is officially diagnosed with Hydronephrosis. Here are the main points that I came away with from our latest appointment:
1) It is not cystic. I”m relieved by this.
2) The chances are not super high that we would have a baby with downs syndrome due to everything else being healthy and my age, but since kidney problems are a marker our chances go up a bit. We denied an amnio at this point which could confirm or deny for us because we wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy if our littlest one had downs syndrome and just didn’t feel the need to know at this point given the risk associated with an amnio. We can do it later if we want or just wait and see if we are surprised and blessed with a child with Downs.
3) The Kidney is not damaged.
4) Yet. Although the perinatologist will let a pediatric urologist make that call down the road, she said she thinks that when our baby is born the kidney will be damaged and non-functioning. I think this means surgery to remove the damaged kidney.
5) People live with one kidney all the time. No biggie. Hah! There is no such thing as “no biggie” when you are a mom. But seriously, in the dark, sad world of organ failure, it seems like one kidney failing is cause for a party.
6) Nothing is guaranteed. We will continue to be monitored regularly and receive non stress tests starting at 32 weeks and keep an eye out for other markers of chromosomal problems that could still develop and cause heart, brain problems as well as other issues associated with kidney problems such as low amniotic fluid.
7) God is good. All the time.
I feel a mix of emotions at the moment. I am reasonably optimistic that our baby will be fine. He has one beautifully functioning kidney and looks healthy otherwise. People live with one kidney all the time. But I am also saddened. My baby hasn’t even left the safety of my womb yet and already the imperfections of this world are upon him. He will very likely need surgery as a wee bitty one. On top of that is the worry that every parent experiences. The ‘what if’, ‘worst case scenario’ worry that almost makes me sick to my stomach.
Thanks for reading this and praying for our son. And for being informed on a blog instead of by a phone call. All this emotion and medical jargon is exhausting and I am thankful for technology to be able to post it once and not have to repeat the details over and over again.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.