Hmmm…what do I say about myself? Well, I’m a textbook INFJ and an Enneagram 2, a story teller,a preacher, an idealist, a reader and a Midwest transplant thriving in the desert of Tucson, Arizona.
I am drawn out of bed in the morning by the promise of a hot cup of coffee.
I wear a lot of hats – a mother of two, wife of one, daughter, sister, Spanish maestra, friend, and vocational minister; but underneath all these fun hats is a woman who desires to follow the way of Jesus. And one of my favorite activities is to be the friends described in Mark 2
3 Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. 4 Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. 5 When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
If I can bring people to the feet of Jesus through my writing, through prayer, through discipleship, or through teaching than I am a happy, happy woman.
I began writing in 2008 after experiencing two miscarriages and needing an outlet to express my emotions, reflections, prayers and hopes.
This site received the name “The Kirsten Tree” from one of my earliest posts, in which I marveled at how God was working in my life. The reality is that God has been faithful since I was in my mother’s womb until today – always teaching me, loving me, and giving me purpose.
When I first realized that I was going to miscarry for the second time, after having been faithful, prayerful and everything else I thought I should be doing as a disciple of Christ, my very first reaction actually had nothing to do with the loss of my baby or even the loss of my dreams for our family, rather it was feeling a loss of God. I cried out in my bed, in my husband’s arms, in my car, in my mind while I was teaching Spanish:
“WHERE ARE YOU?”
“WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?”
“YOU HAVE ABANDONED ME, FATHER!”
A wise friend of ours gently reminded us that those were also the very last words that Jesus Christ spoke before he died.
“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani”
“My God, My God. Why have you forsaken me?”
Jesus, the beautiful, sinless, perfect Son of God, was brought to a place under the Father’s will that included not only suffering and persecution, but also the withdrawl of His Father in Heaven. As Jesus took on the sins of the world our Holy God separated himself from his Son to allow this once-for-all sacrifice to occur.
I have been very blessed not to have experienced deep suffering or loss in my life up to this point, so while I have understood the theology of what happened on the Cross, I couldn’t entirely relate. I am certainly not saying that I even now fully understand how the Messiah felt as those words came forth from his mouth two thousand years ago, because even though I have such precious intimacy with God through the blood of Jesus and am called his daughter, I think that the intimacy within the Trinity is more than I can ever imagine. And while I don’t mean to diminish the physical pain that I experienced, the excruciating torture of hanging on a Roman cross is something I will never feel.
Nevertheless, singing, “When I survey the Wondrous Cross” the other night I felt closer to God than I expected. Of all my own feeble attempts to become more like Jesus through striving and to-do lists and disciplines, God has chosen to make me more like his son through suffering and pain. This realization, oddly enough, is helping to restore my faith that God is actively involved in my life (something I had been questioning and doubting in recent weeks) and that He is still at work pruning the Kirsten Tree.